Think You’re Brown? Not So Fast, Says Me

Brown People Wedding

A gathering of brown people. Recognize one?

I decided that the term “brown” is used very freely, and I believe that’s precisely why I find it so funny to describe someone as “brown”. You automatically catalog all the groups of people that could be described as such: South/Central Americans, Middle Easterners, North Africans, Sicilians, Turks, and maybe even Philipinos. Some people describe African-Americans as brown. For clarity, I should mention that the Ramy Browntown definition of “brown” in the context of race does not include black people. Black people should be happy about that.

Alas, after a couple months of inactivity on my blog (with absolutely no protest from anyone), here is my promised list of the cornerstones of a brown person.. I hope you enjoy.

Ten Tell-Tale Signs You’re Brown:

10:     You open the door for people and they tip you.

9:       Your body hair is the least of your problems, but the most of your possessions.

8:      When the doctor gives your relative only 6 months to live, you offer them more money.

7:     You have no ability to dress for the occasion. (Example: tracksuit to wedding, business slacks for construction work, jeans to the beach.)

6:     You see arriving on time as a sign of disrespect, early as a sign of  homosexuality.

5:     You rank your kids by intelligence and utility as to set up a buffer system between their fuck-ups and yourself.

4:     The value of a woman is the amount of livestock her family owns.

3:     You win over 90% of your stare wars.

2:     Your “American Dream” is to be “legitimate”.

1:     You think that allowing your wife to make dinner for you is treating her with respect.

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2010 World Series Opening Day Predictions

Let me be the first to say to all my fellow baseball bums: Happy World Series! As a San Francisco based blogger, most of my readers feel just as much as I, how special it is that these Giants are in the Fall Classic. Surely, there are a few citizens of Austin and Galveston saying the same about their Rangers..

Up like a kid on Christmas Eve who can’t get some shuteye, I was just watching an ESPN.com round table of a few baseball vets making predictions as the Giants and Rangers were practicing yesterday at AT&T Park. It’s noteworthy to mention that three of four “experts” called the series for Texas in 6, citing their bats as too dangerous for San Francisco pitching.

It’s also worth mentioning, however, that four of four on Fox Sports’s panel of experts predicted the [no longer] Fightin’ Phils would beat the Giants in 5 or 6. That was Fox Sports, however. “Fox” being the operative (or inoperative) word.

What do you think? I’d love for you to take part in my first poll. Give me your best baseball guess.. For better and more intriguing results, I suggest putting preferences aside, as difficult as it may be.

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Nobody likes the Bandwagon Fans, Not Even the Bandwagon Fans

AT&T Park: Home of the San Francisco Giants, and games 1 and 2 of the 2010 World Series

Since the 2010 San Francisco Giants team started their improbable October playoff run, life for their fans has been something of a dream. It really is no easy feat to reach the Fall Classic, and these Giants are even more a testament to the perseverance it takes to reach the World Series. All the one run ballgames and 5-out saves made for a nail-biter of a season, and there’s no reason to believe that this 7 game series against first-time participants Texas Rangers should be any different.

A more sobering, and downright annoying aspect of a spectacular season with the chance of ending in ultimate glory, are the new, sudden fans who come out of the woodwork who want to “be a part of it!” Well Jack, this ain’t New York, New York.

Marc Juberg (I don’t think there’s a need to have “Ju” in a name with the suffix “berg”, we already know) at Bleacher Report has published an informative guide to identifying these fair-weather fans…

Bleacher Report’s Guide to Identifying Bandwagon Giants Fans

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Brian Wilson and Ryan Howard: What an Epic Staredown

 

Ryan Howard caught looking at a BrianWilson fastball to end the NLCS.

When the Fox Sports cameraman panned over the Giants bullpen during a 2-2 tie in Game 6 of the National League Championship Series, it wouldn’t have taken a Giants fan, or even a baseball fan, to know you were looking at some Bay Area athletes. With that single shot, the image of black-clad Giants’ closer Brian Wilson, and setup man Sergio Romo, both sporting black Giants hoodies and thick black beards (hoods in place as they would be in the thick S.F. fog at 24 Willie Mays Plaza, looking like some fans, really), reminded America who the Giants really are: a bunch of scruffy misfits who torture their fans in the quest for victory. It’s come to feel as if bearing the torture and staying at our seats is us fans’ role in this magical October run.

Everyone has a role on a championship team.

Like a beat girlfriend who can’t get enough of her dominant, rude, criminal boyfriend’s abuse while her friends wonder why, we come back for more while others look on and ask that same question. But seriously, who wouldn’t? San Francisco has proved to the country that it can play fall-ball; and to the fans go the wins. Any Giants fan will tell you, the nerve-wracking torture makes the win that much sweeter. Anyways, at this point in the season, if Brian Wilson doesn’t walk a hitter at some point during the 9th inning, then I worry. It has become that routine. That’s why it’s called a “save”, because it’s dangerous. That’s what Brian Wilson would say.

Just over 7 hours ago, when “the Giants [won] the pennant!!!”, the situation was slightly different from the reg.  Don’t get me wrong, the torture was definitely making its presence felt as All-Star second baseman Chase Utley walked, pushing Placido Polanco to 2nd. There was a moment of about 30 seconds where I felt a decent sized rush of classic torture, thinking how the tying run is in scoring position, and the winning run is on 1st. You know, the usual. What followed the worry, was a sense of utter mystical baseball shock. Up to the plate stepped the 2005 Rookie of the Year, 2006 MVP, and 2008 World Series Champ. Up to the plate stepped Ryan Howard…

It wasn’t the stats that were running through my mind, or even the size or significance of the moment we were witnessing. It was what we baseball fans love so much about the POSTSEASON but can never put our finger on or describe to our foreign friends. I’m talking about the staredown.

And like Ali vs. Frazier in the “Thrilla in Manila“, the matchup completely lived up to its hype. We were watching two actors play their parts perfectly. They say the closer has a “look”. Well, if that’s true, then Brian Wilson has it ten-fold. The beard completes the manliness and the eyes paint the target. On the flip-side, which player would Phillies fans rather have up there to face him than Ryan Howard. The 30 year-old slugger from St. Louis, Missouri who possesses UNGODLY power and could give Philadelphia a game seven with one half-swing of the bat.

But back to the stare. The stare happened before each of seven pitches. It really wasn’t about baseball, this stare. It was simply language. A special language between Ryan Howard and Brian Wilson which, unlike most languages, only covered one topic: Balls.

It happened to the tune of strike swinging, ball, ball, strike looking, ball, foul, strike LOOKING. Oh no you didn’t. Oh yes he did. Oh my God he did. He got him looking.  Before he really knew what happened and how bad it would suck to think about later, Ryan Howard was left stunned and clueless by that one cut fastball, staring at catcher Buster Posey‘s glove. Surely, at this very moment, the big guy is unable to sleep, asking himself questions like “Why didn’t I swing?” or “Why didn’t he throw the slider?” or “Should I drink a second cup of Nyquil?”.

There is only one answer that I can come up with to all of Ryan Howard’s questions:  FEAR THE BEARD.

Bring on Texas.

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